I just can’t get with it this semester. My brain is on any and everything else other than schoolwork. I’ve been struggling a lot with focusing and not beating myself up if I make a bad grade or if I don’t meet the expectations I set for myself. It’s a constant battle.
It seems like this whole semester I’ve been in a state of guilt for not doing this or failing at that. Maybe I never fully bounced back from the confidence-crushing meeting I had with my Organic Chem professor? I dunno. Something switched off the second week of school and it hasn’t come back on. I still care about my grades, but I’m also tired of caring about my grades.
And maybe it’s just that a lot has happened this semester and it’s just become an off semester. I struggled with work, my grades at the beginning were terrible (with two mid-term F’s staring back at me on my transcript), Trixie passed away (it felt like I never really had time to fully grieve the loss of my dog because of all the other things I needed to focus on), the wedding is getting closer and closer, we inherited another dog (a 9 month old puppy) and so it never ends.
I sit down to study and end up falling asleep for an hour. And then I wake up feeling guilty and figure “What’s the use?”. But I know I can’t continue to think like this.
I’m so glad I went to church today. Our pastor talked about the story of Peter walking on the water, and how it wasn’t really about Peter, but about God showing who He really is. And how Peter called out to Jesus and asked him to prove that it was He by asking him out on to the water. And Jesus said “Come”.
He talked about how Jesus knowingly sent them ahead into a storm. And how Jesus only stopped to help after Peter cried out to Him. And when Peter did, Jesus immediately saved him. And just because you are going through a storm doesn’t mean that it’s of the devil. Jesus sent them into a storm, but he also pulled them out. It’s all about God’s glory and His compassion for us.
Maybe I need to do a little calling out to Jesus. I often wonder if my praying life needs re-tweaking. Along with the other aspects of my life, it hasn’t been given much attention to. I mean, I know He’s there and that He will see me through this because that’s His promise to me. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t fail…and if I do, then the Lord is there to pick me up again…and He doesn’t love me any less if I fail or succeed. His love for me is constant and great.
And I can trust that even when there are times when it’s hard for me to focus, or times when I feel like giving up in all aspects of life, that the Lord has got me. He loves me the same when I’m quiet towards him as he does when I’m singing at the top of my lungs at church.
He loves me.
He loves me. No matter what…