I thought of something yesterday that really made me change my upside down view about sleeping. Actually, it wasn’t really a thought per se, but an action. Let me start by giving you a little background-
I’ve been an insomniac for 12(+/-) years now. It started in middle school, with me not being able to sleep if the clock wasn’t facing the wall or had something draped over it to block the light it exuded. The faucets had to be turned off. Completely off…so much as a drip and my bat-like ears would perk up and I would be awake for the rest of the night. The room had to be dark…can’t-see-hand-in-front-of-face dark. You get the idea…
As I’ve gotten older, and as I’ve decreased my caffeine intake drastically, my insomnia has gotten a little better. But I still suffer through week-long episodes of not being able to sleep.
I can honestly tell you that since the age of about 11, I have been in a constant mental state of go-go-go, do-do-do, be-be-be. (Having insomnia also makes me babble like a baby 😀 ).
A couple of posts ago, I told you guys about how every time I sit down to study I end up falling asleep…and then feel guilty for falling asleep and not studying. I am the type of person that even if my mind and body are exhausted, I will still go to the gym, still stay awake at all hours of the night worrying and letting my brain run 50 miles per hour.
Yesterday I volunteered at church. It was super rainy and super cold. Most of us got soaked through our shoes and pants. I went home and took a hot bath and was in my jammies by 4 p.m. I grabbed my Bio textbook, sat on the bed with Mar-dog snuggled up next to me and began to read the next chapter.
When I woke up about two hours later, the light was turned off. The curtains were closed, the blankets were over me. It was clear Jason had been in the room! And of course, my first thought upon waking up was:
“All that time wasted with sleep, you could have read that entire chapter and then some!”
And then something happened..I don’t know if it was God showing me something about myself..or if Jason’s simple action of turning off the light for me caused me to stop, but that’s what I did.
I realized that I am burdened by worry and anxiety. I have the type of personality that always wants to be “on”. Always going and doing…I feel the constant need for exercise and for learning. I can imagine that this only feeds my inability to slow down.
And Jason… Gosh, Jason. I love that man so.
Just the simple act of him turning the lights off for me, closing the curtains for me, putting me under the covers and making me comfortable, closing my Bio book for me...Sometimes there are things that we cannot change about ourselves. Or maybe we are in a process of change and are not quite there yet…but God is so good to us. What we can’t do for ourselves, He can always do for us. He can give me those couple of hours of amazing sleep. He can turn off my mind. Better yet, He wants to. My weakness of not slowing down is nothing to God. I just thank Him every day for sending me a great man to marry. One that he can prompt to take care of me in the right ways. I love that when I’m not quiet, He is the one to quiet me..for my own good.
He’s taught me that I don’t need to be “on” all the time. That I can stop thinking and things will be OK. I don’t have to worry about everything. It’s almost like He’s just wrapping me up in a big bear hug and just holding me. I can always sit in the Father’s love. Always.
This is a growing process for me…being able to trust in God more and learning to let go. I’m so glad that He is showing me the way.
There are other moments of this past week that were pretty note-worthy:
- I had a meeting with the undergraduate coordinator..after being in his presence for maybe 15 minutes he says to me “You know, I can truly see you becoming a great international leader for animal welfare.” -!!!!! I don’t know about an international leader, but I would love to be a leader someday. It’s so awesome when a complete stranger sees those qualities in you!
- We found out our new pup, Marley, has no serious health problems…thank goodness!
- Akward moment of the week– walking through Student Union at 8 pm and finding that it transform into a break-dancing club…? Oh, the awkward part? Having no where else to walk but straight through the break-dancers…spinning on their heads, poppin’ all over the place…Please don’t kick me in my shins. Thank you.
- That moment when your soon-to-be husband shaves his beard off. I don’t know what it is with men and their facial hair, but Jason had a serious attachment to his ever-growing beard. I told him I don’t care how it looks on the wedding day, as long as he is there to marry me (!), but he trimmed it down anyway. He said something about how it resembles the time he spends on his senior design project? …..I guess it’s just one of those things I will never get. I, personally, think it may be all the Avett Brothers YouTube videos he’s been watching…..
‘Tis fine with me! I love those guys! Top favorite fo’ sho’. Also- they are freaking awesome in concert.